First off, in the interest of full disclosure, I am not a licensed therapist or any sort of counselor (despite what some people seem to think). I’m a regular guy. A writer. A dad. A friend, a son and a cat owner.
In short, I am many things. I am better at some things than others and that’s fine. I am also a guy that struggles with his self-confidence from time-to-time. To some of you, that may come as a surprise. Others may not exactly consider that an earth-shattering revelation.
In any case, I have more than a few thoughts on this subject. A recent conversation has caused me to do a great deal of reflection/ soul-searching/ etc. I’ve come to some interesting conclusions that I suspect will be of interest to many of you. So come at me with your questions, people...
So what is this “self-esteem” thing anyway?
Self-esteem has three parts, at least as I see it.
Self-worth- That’s your core. That’s how you see yourself as a person in general. Good? Bad? Indifferent? We’ll get back to self-worth in a minute.
Self-efficacy- This is where things get interesting. Self-efficacy is more or less about how good you think you are at getting things done. It’s generally not an across the board judgement. You may think you’re good at some things and bad at others. My personal example... I think I’m pretty good at this writing stuff, but not so much when it comes to home improvements. So I have no problem popping out a blog post like this one, yet I struggle and get frustrated when it comes to changing the faucet on my kitchen sink. Yeah, go ahead and laugh. Then come over and change out my faucet when you’re done with chortling at my expense.
Anyway, when your self-efficacy is lacking in a given area, you will be far more likely to get frustrated and probably give up entirely. This, by the way, is not great for your self-efficacy in that area.
Strong self-efficacy usually results in more persistent effort. Simply, when you’re confident your efforts will bear fruit, you’ll try harder and not give up.
Self-confidence- This is what you project out to the rest of the world. I don’t mean walking around with some arrogant swagger, making sure everyone knows that you are the shiznit. Actually, that sort of behavior is more often than not a smokescreen for someone with low self-esteem. What I’m talking about is a quiet, effective confidence. The kind of belief in oneself that doesn’t require public attention (unlike the aforementioned)... it just is and it just gets it done. Period. It’s intrinsic.
Intrinsic? What’s that mean?
From the Merriam-Webster online dictionary... belonging to the essential nature or constitution of a thing <the intrinsic worth of a gem> <the intrinsic brightness of a star>
Basically, built-in. Permanent (in tech terms, firmware). And certainly not contingent upon one’s income, job title or relationship status. A person who has good, strong intrinsic self-worth isn’t buffeted around by life’s occasional smackdowns. They can handle the disappointment, the job loss, the breakup. They can take it when someone cuts them down. Sure, they’ll feel sad or hurt but they’ll recover and move on. That loss or disappointment won’t affect their self-perception.
The person with intrinsic self-worth will be better able to deal with a little fear, since the downside doesn't define who they are. They’ll give their goals 100%. They’ll close that sale. They’ll tell someone they love them when they probably should, even if it’s a little scary to do so.
That’s all well and good for those people. What about poor, neurotic me?
There is hope for you yet, my self-pitying friend. Might I suggest making a couple lists?
First, a an honest accounting of your positive qualities (yes, you do have them). Hard-worker? Check. Honest? Oh yes. Master of football trivia? Not my thing, but whatever floats your boat.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
Really think hard and make a good, long list.
Got it? Good.
Now, read through your list and think that those are all yours. For keeps. No one can ever take those things away from you.
Feeling better? Good.
We’re not done yet, though. Now I want you to make another list. Inventory all your accomplishments throughout your life, everything you can think of... just dump it all onto a sheet of paper. And yes, I mean everything. You learned to ride bike? Put it on the list. You survived Algebra I? Write it down.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
So again, read through your list. You already did those things. Nothing or no one (save for someone inventing time travel) will change that. Ever. So be proud of yourself... you earned it. Bask in your newfound glory. Because you’re awesome.
Now I don’t presume that you’re suddenly going to be able to charge headlong into life and conquer all of your obstacles just because you’ve read this blog post. That wasn’t my goal. I merely wanted you to think about who you really are. I wanted you to lift the hood, tinker around some, and see where the problem might be.
Now get to work on yourself. You’re worth the effort.
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